Doping Dupes Dummies

LAUSANNE, Switzerland – Mere hours after his triumphant victory on the Dynasty Game Night podcast, John Bosch (@EmpireFFL) finds himself amidst a swirl of controversy. The IOC, in conjunction with the UCI and governing body of DGN, has launched a joint investigation after a “B-sample” tested positive for Adderall, EPO, albuterol, and yellow-5.

The recent Russian blood doping scandal (and subsequent ban from the Pyeongchang Olympics) is barely a footnote next to Bosch’s alleged cheating scheme. An anonymous source close to the investigation said to expect, “significant sanctions” on international podcasting’s biggest stage. It is still unclear whether the DGN title will revert to Zac Reed of the Dynasty Dummies.

Mr. Bosch could not be reached for comment.

Under The Radar: Abdullah versus Montgomery 

In my spare time, when I’m not crafting fantasy football articles, I build battleships. Admittedly, it’s a pretty cool side gig.

The latest project, delivered to the Navy last October, is the Zumwalt Class destroyer; these ships are a touch over 600 feet long, look like they come from Star Wars’ central casting, and are equipped with electric drive generators (similar to your aunt’s Prius.) Designed to be a warship, there are any number of defensive (and offensive) armament capabilities, including the capacity to house two helicopters. However, most amazing thing to me is the ship’s ability to evade detection and be more than it appears.

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Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Draft Devante Parker 

Growing up, I was an outdoor kid, always playing some form of sport requiring a ball and competition. Usually the games involved me pummeling my best friend, Adam, who was almost a foot shorter than I was; we bounced from basketball to baseball on the front lawn to one-on-one touch football. Occasionally he’d sneak a win, but usually the outcome was a forgone conclusion. Unless it rained… When the weather turned sour, we’d head inside to pursue our other passions: Tecmo Super Bowl (which later evolved into Madden,) and Monopoly. It was on the Monopoly board that Adam exacted revenge.

It’s funny to think about someone being “good” at Monopoly, a game hinged on the roll of dice, but Adam is. (There’s more math and strategy involved than I ever thought about.) While I was chasing hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place, Adam would quietly be amassing properties on the “free parking” corner: the orange and red squares. Nearly every time we played, he would broker a deal to send Park Place to me in exchange for Illinois Avenue with St. James thrown in; and every time, I would bite, chasing the upside potential of the most expensive properties on the board.

Recently, we were reminiscing, and I mentioned those trades and how he would always manage to squeeze every last dollar out of me during our marathon Monopoly battles.

“Well, yeah,” he said. “You’re half again as likely to land on Illinois. There’s like a 2% chance of landing on Park Place. Illinois is around three and a quarter.”
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Reservations: Tyreek Hill Character Breakfast 

Did you know that Disney’s restaurant reservations can book solid for three months within minutes of coming open? I’ve got two boys under 4 who are wild about Disney. (My youngest is currently walking around, wearing my SFB7 t-shirt like a kimono, proudly pointing out, “Cinderella’s Castle!” They love Goofy, Pluto, Nick Wilde, and Mater; but the real star, of course, is Mickey Mouse. If we don’t see another character on our entire vacation, it will still be a success as long as there’s a meeting with the Mouse.

So here I am, in the middle of writing a Tyreek Hill versus Golden Tate article, brow furrowed, (occasionally swearing under my breath,) trying to navigate the DisneyWorld dining reservations website to secure a breakfast with Chef Mickey… in December. And there are zero spots available; every day of our week-long vacation is booked solid. Frantic, I look again. There are other restaurants, of course, and they would probably be terrific. There might even be a better place to eat, but I know what I’m getting with Chef Mickey and his mouse-ear waffles.
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Don’t Focus on the Lamborghini: The Moncrief/Crowder Collision Course

Would you rather have a Lamborghini or a Ford Focus? No, really, this isn’t rhetorical; come up with an answer, which one do you want?

You took the Lambo, didn’t you? We all would. The power, the speed, the sex appeal dripping off of every line and curve; a Lamborghini lends itself to the imagination. We’d all take the supercar, until we were being practical. We are dreamers by nature. We have cast our lot into dynasty fantasy football, a game that lives off being able to accurately paint the future of hundreds of elite athletes. Practicality is hard to come by here.

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Fantasy vs Fantasy: 

Close your eyes. You’re laying on a cabana chair; the sun is pleasantly warm on your face. The mojito in your hand is ice cold and just beginning to sweat droplets that disappear instantly on the impossibly white sand.    A sultry voice beside you says, “I know this is a little forward, but can I ask you a question?”

You nod, intrigued.

“I need to fill my flex-spot.” Continue Reading